Satan's Stronghold Over Me

I don't at all think I have this all figured out, but I may be getting closer. This is something that I have been trying to get control of for years: my bad moods. They cause serious problems in my marriage because they bring my husband down. I bring him down. Not only that, when I submit to them I reflect that bad mood on everyone around me. No one likes that. No one wants to be around someone who is negative. I know I don't. I try to avoid those people. And I know that I become one of those people when I give in to my anger or sadness or whatever. I never got motivated to even try to get out of or resist these mood swings until Neil said something years ago before we got married. I used to get so angry at him when he would say something because it was so frustrating, trying to get out of a bad mood. And let me tell you he has said something over and over and over again. That's because I keep failing. I think it's mainly my pride that I let have me. But sometimes I think it's a matter of when I get in the bad mood I want to stay there. I don't know why. That sounds crazy. But anyway, Neil has tried to explain to me that all I have to do to get rid of the bad mood is to just stop. "Just do it", he says. And I've always said, "How do you just do it???" Usually I need to just let time do it's thing and then the bad mood leaves. But that is not a solution because in the mean time, while I am letting the bad mood do it's thing, I am bringing Neil down. And that's not right.

So here's what I've come up with for a solution...first of all I have to tell a short story. Yesterday, our boss told us she would like us to stay here at this hostel and work for her through the summer. That is, Australia's summer, our winter. Anyway, that's like February. When she said that it made me sad because I am homesick and I want to leave at the 3 month mark, which is in about a month from now. Plus Neil wants to travel around here before we come home, so that's another few weeks or months we will be gone. So that puts us coming home at about a year after we left home. That makes me very sad. So I was thinking about that yesterday, but instead of going ahead and getting into a bad mood over it, I caught myself before it happened. Or rather, God caught me. I started praying about it. I went over what I had just heard, and thought about my motives for wanting to go home (which are selfish). I prayed for wisdom and guidance about the matter, and thought about what I think God would want me to do. And I thought, that is to stay here for now. The only reason I thought that though, is because going home would be out of selfishness, so maybe the opposite of that decision (staying here) would be out of love. But then I thought about how I don't really feel like I am doing any good for the kingdom here. On the other hand, though, someone has to do this job to get this place running. Why not us? And once it gets running more backpackers will come and the more evangelizing that can happen.

I'm getting off topic. Before I get back on, though, I want to say something about the traveling around that I said Neil wants to do. I make it sound like only Neil wants to do it. Here's the thing: I do want to see the world. I used to fantasize about it as a child. But I am a big fat baby. I would never leave home to do that on my own. But I think God wants His people to travel and see all the variety of the nature that He created for us. Plus, I think traveling to different places and seeing different cultures will help to make us more well-rounded individuals. But I've always been too scared to attempt that. I am still scared. However, now I am with Neil, who actually has the balls to do what I would never initiate. And here's another thing: Neil knows what he wants to do with his life. I don't. And since he actually knows what he wants to do, why don't we do that and see what happens? Maybe God wanted me to end up here one day but knew I would never do it on my own so that's why He willed for me to end up marrying Neil. I think about that sometimes. So here we are. We may never come back to this side of the world again, why not take advantage of the fact that we are so close to places we want to visit. It makes sense. And if it's God's will, it will happen; if not, we'll come home when we leave Hosanna.

So anyway, I was thinking about all that stuff, and I just thought, in the midst of all of that, why not try to act like I am happy today. I don't want to deny my true feelings if it comes up; I don't think that's healthy. I just want to not take my negativity out on others. And isn't that what God wants us to do?? Act lovingly even when we don't feel like it? So I decided that I was going to do just that. I was going to act happy around Neil. And somehow, (I'm sure with God's mighty hand involved), I did it. All day long. And today, guess what Neil said to me...he said that it was as if I was a changed person yesterday. Like what I've been praying about is finally showing itself. So he was right, it's not impossible. I can just decide to not let a bad mood take me over, and then it doesn't.

Then there's the matter of getting out of a bad mood once I'm in one. I think that's a matter of swallowing my pride most of the time. I feel like I've got a bit of a handle on that. Sort of.

Believe me, I don't want to get a big head about all of this and think I have control over the issue because that's when I'll fail. I mean, I think I can have control over it, I just have to utilize that fruit of the spirit that is dwelling in me somewhere... and somehow that fruit got utilized yesterday. Above all, I know that I would never be accomplishing any of this if it weren't for God working through Neil to help me to overcome my mood swings. I think He's been working through Neil to strengthen me in all kinds of ways. He sure has blessed me with the most amazing husband who I know I don't deserve.

I Can't Think of a Title Other Than "Introduction"...I Know, it's Lame

This is my first post on my first, very own blog page. You'll have to forgive me if all this sounds more like a journal. However, that's what I kind of think of it as...a place to write down my thoughts about life, death, and everything in between (and beyond). But I realize that it needs to make sense to others since I am writing these thoughts down (or typing) on a public website that ANYONE can read. But they will still be my thoughts. My husband brought up a very good point that actually motivated me to do this: It will help us to get to know each other better. (He too has his very own blog page.) And since I'm not the greatest at expressing myself verbally, I agree that this will help. So anyone who's curious as to what's going on in my head (or at least what I choose to make known, but still is more than what I express verbally), then this will help you too, to know me better. Wow, I feel like I sound pretty self-absorbed, but I really want to use this to analyze my thoughts about some things. And it's better than writing down these thoughts in a "my eyes only" journal, not only because it will enhance my relationships, but again, like my husband brought to my attention, it will (hopefully) make me a better writer. See, like that last sentence. You can see that I need to work on my writing skills. Anyway (Neil), don't make fun of me.