CoNfUsIoN

Well, we are back at Hosanna. I knew those two weeks at home would fly, but I did try to cherish every moment of it. It was a good time. I felt like Mom and I were able to spend some good, quality time with each other. And I'm glad I was able to be with my grandpa and tell him I love him. People have been warning my mother that a lot of times when someone dies who has been married as long as my grandparents, their spouse passes away within 6 months of their death. I hope and pray to God that's not going to be the case. But I am glad I got to spend that time with him.

Neil and I have such good families and friends. I keep thinking we don't deserve all this love that surrounds us, so I don't want to take them for granted. I know we are incredibly blessed and not everyone has what we have.

Here's my confusion:

I struggle with discerning what the order of my priorities should be. I'm talking about mission work and my loved ones. Where people's souls are headed is of the utmost importance. But aren't family members supposed to be there for each other, especially in times of need? I feel like I should be at home, being there for my family, (for longer than 2 weeks). But if we didn't come back here soon, we wouldn't have our jobs here. And this is where we feel God has lead us. But maybe He's put this longing in my heart to be with my family for a reason. But Neil also has a longing in his heart--to be here working on this ministry. Maybe the longing in my heart is there because I love my family and I don't want to see them hurting. I want to fix their pain, or at least try to lessen it. But maybe that doesn't mean that God is telling me I need to physically be there with them right now. Though, it sure seems to me that I could be the most help if I was there in the flesh. I just never thought that mission work would mean that I'd have to neglect my family. How do people do it? I know missionaries that are gone from their families for years at a time. How do any of them stand that? I guess it's possible that I'm not necessarily neglecting them just because I am not there in the flesh. As long as we communicate. I don't know. A hug can sometimes do a lot more than words.

I know the solution to my confusion:

I need to draw close to God. I haven't been getting into the Word much lately. So I think I need to lean on Him for guidance about this. I KNOW I need to lean on Him. I need Him to come into my heart and change me to be more open about what He wants me to do with my life. Anyone out there reading this, please pray for me to have a different attitude. To be more God-focused. And again, please don't anyone think that I am here against my will. Neil is not dragging me around. I choose to be here. Though I feel like I choose it for Neil, not for God. But see, something I've brought up before is that maybe God put me with Neil because He wanted me to be here and knew I would never do it without Neil. So I guess that's the attitude change I'm really talking about. And I know, I need to make the decision myself. Maybe I need to work on my perspective first. Then attitude.

Neil tells me it seems like I am just going through the motions here. I've got the action down, but the perspective and attitude, I need to work on. Like God says through Paul, "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." My heart is not here--it is at home with my family. So when I work here, my heart is not in it. I work hard, but others here have told me that because of my attitude they can tell my heart is somewhere else. (It's been that way since we arrived at Hosanna.) However, I think it can be 2 places at once. That's what I need to work on.

So, I'm not confused about where my focus should be. I am confused about my priorities. My focus requires the attitude change and probably a different perspective. The priorities...that discernment will come, I know, from drawing close to the Lord. God is not a god of confusion. I know He has the answers; I just need to open my ears and listen to His wisdom. And like I said, I've been neglecting Him lately. I need to get off of here and go read the Word.