Is God really my god??? The answer is "Noyrr."

First of all, I don't know why the date says Friday, June 26. It is definitely before midnight on Thursday, June 25.

So it's been 8 months since I last wrote a blog. I've never been too good at opening up and sharing my thoughts/feelings/opinions with others. But I keep thinking about the reason I started a blog: Neil. He said he wanted to get to know me better (since I never open up) and asked if I'd start a blog. So I started it but stopped writing last October. But I want that to change.

I feel honored that my husband wants to get to know me better. So Neil, this is for you. I am making a commitment right here and now to blog ONCE A WEEK. Even if I don't have anything interesting or profound to say, I am going to write something--how my week is going, whatever.

Today, there is something that I want to talk about. Since we got home from Australia, I've been feeling very guilty. I know that Neil wants to be doing mission work right now and I know that I am the reason we are not. The real reason we left Australia had nothing to do with money or a broken down car. It was because of me. I was depressed and was bringing Neil down with me. He just couldn't take it anymore. I was supposed to be a supportive wife but I did the exact opposite. Honestly, I couldn't help it. My heart was never there. It was always at home. I struggled so much with trying to make a decision to commit myself to what we were doing, but it was so hard for me because I knew that when I made that decision, I'd be saying goodbye to my family for potentially a really long time.

I've always been very close to my family and the thought of being separated from them for years at a time just rips me apart inside. So that's my problem.

Even though I don't personally feel called to be a missionary, my husband does, and so that to me means that that's what we should be doing. There aren't too many Christians like him who are willing to go absolutely anywhere and do anything for God. So I feel like he's a very valuable servant; the last thing I want to do is get in the way of him being used by God--I mean that's what Satan does! Satan is using me to keep Neil from bringing God's love to foreign lands! That SUCKS.

So ANYWAY, I've been feeling guilty about all this even more so since we've been home, so I've been praying a lot about the situation. But up until a few weeks ago, I was trying to make the decision solely for Neil. Then one day I had a revelation. I was sitting here praying and thinking about all of this and Abraham came to mind. I thought about how God told him that he had to sacrifice his son, Isaac, for Him because his love for Isaac was outweighing his love for God. Isaac was his new god. So God said that in order to get into a right relationship with Him again, he'd have to sacrifice him. Once Abe showed that he was willing to do that, he was right with God again.

Well, I feel like God is telling me the same thing. He has made me aware of something that I love more than Him, something that is my true god: my family. He is telling me that I need to sacrifice them to be in a right relationship with Him.

So now instead of trying to make this decision for Neil, I feel like now I am trying to make it for God. It is something that I need to do. Like I wrote in my last blog, I've never felt as though I've given Him my all. This is partly why. I don't want to give them up.

You know, so often our pastor talks about how being a true Christian means being willing to give up anything and everything for God. He won't necessarily ask you to do that but if He does and you aren't willing, then He is not Who you truly worship. You are worshipping whatever/whoever you are putting before Him.

Soyrrr, my current thoughts are that I need to make this decision for Him. But the problem is that if I make the decision now, and we leave and go somewhere, I'm afraid we will be in the same predicament we were in in Australia where I am depressed and am bringing Neil down. So I've been praying for God to give me the desire to do mission work. Because if my heart's in it, I think the homesickness/depression can be overcome. That's how it was for Neil in Australia--he was homesick too, but his heart was in the ministry he was doing and so that was able to overcome the homesickness. My heart was 9,000 miles away.

So I've made up my mind that when I get the desire, I will say to Neil, "Ok let's goyrr." I realize I have to be careful and try not to be "putting off" making the decision for selfish reasons. Really, I am trying to be honest with myself and God. There's no point in hiding my feelings or pretending. I know what I need to do to make God my god. I want to do it. But honestly, I need that desire. I need it. Otherwise Neil and I are pulling each other in opposite directions and I am accomplishing nothing for God. So anyone reading this (sorry it's so long) please pray for me, for that desire.