God is Awesome

2 cool things happened this week:

1.) The other day I was praying about something and got interrupted. I'm not going to specify anything here because the specifics are not the point. The interruption was something that I felt I should to divert my attention to. Later on I discovered that the reason I was interrupted quite possibly may have been from God. I realized that the thing I was praying about could not be resolved until something else was resolved. And that thing that has to be resolved first was the interruption. So I think I was praying for the wrong thing and He interceded for me. Oh by the way, I remembered later on that the same thing that interrupted me had happened earlier but not as loud as the one that I stopped praying for. I guess it took Him a couple of tries to get through to me. So anyway, I just thought that was really cool.

2.) There's something else that happened this week that I felt was God...it was late at night and I still wanted to read the Bible and get on the internet to look up something before I went to bed. My thought process was that I planned on doing both things but after the first thing, I might be too tired to do the second thing. But I also was thinking that whichever order I did the two things in, it would potentially take the same amount of time; so I figured the order didn't matter. I started walking to the computer and stopped myself because I realized I'd be more likely to stay up for the internet if I saved it for last versus saving the Bible for last; that's pathetic I know. (I've been praying for enthusiasm for the Scriptures.) So anyway, I sucked it up and decided to choose to read the Bible first. I started reading and as I was finishing the chapter, I noticed how easy the reading seemed and how much I understood what I was reading. See usually when I read the Bible my mind wanders or I don't understand something and I have to read verses and sections over and over again, which takes me a while to get through. But this time it was different. I got it-all of it- the first time. It went so smoothly, I couldn't believe it. So I feel that God had blessed me with this easy reading since I made a choice in His favor.

It just goes to show that we really can experience His easy yoke and light burden if only we'd deny ourselves and follow Him.

(And trust me I am by no means an expert on this.)

"Pride" is Satan's Middle Name--stupid jerk

Hmmm what to write about... how's my week going? Well, I have been trying to stay aware of a certain situation that arises almost every day. (I do that by praying about it on the way to work.) The situation is this (very simple really): When I get stressed, I'm in a bad mood.

But if I stay aware of merely the fact that where there's stress, there's a bad mood waiting to happen, then I will be more likely to prevent that bad mood from happening. Or if I do go into it, I will be more likely to try to not show it. Which is easier to deal with? Probably prevention. Cause once I'm in one, oh it takes a good laugh or something REALLY good to get me out of it, and I am not good at acting. I get up to my ears in pride and that's why it's so hard to get out of.

Seriously, the days I don't stay in prayer about it and forget to call upon the Lord when those situations arise, I'm hopeless. But let me tell you there is power in prayer...(if I can swallow my pride long enough to ask Him for help). It's like as soon as I remember He's there to help and I actually ask for it, I immediately see or feel the prayer being answered...either peace comes over me or reason enters my brain, something. He always provides some kind of solution, some kind of a way to get out of the sticky situation. (The situation being either the temptation or the darn thing itself.)

This is a problem I've been dealing with since childhood. I didn't realize, though, that it was a problem, something I could or should overcome until I met Neil. I really feel like God has been using Neil to work on me. I want to be a good wife. My husband deserves it because he is so good to me. He's unlike any person I've ever met. I've always felt privleged that I even know him. And to be married to Him! I'm definitely the lucky one. So anyway, Neil made me aware of my problem, and I started out trying to conquer it for him alone. But now, it's kind of for everyone. I mean, no one likes to be around someone in a bad mood--it sucks. I know how I feel when someone is like that; I want to be away from them. I know also that there's a lot of pride involved in it. And since I think pride may be the root of all evil, I really want to work on it for me and my relationship with God. I feel like He's trying to help me grow in this way as part of my sanctification.

Soyr, hopefully I'll remember tomorrow what to do. (I am a horrible morning person.)

Is God really my god??? The answer is "Noyrr."

First of all, I don't know why the date says Friday, June 26. It is definitely before midnight on Thursday, June 25.

So it's been 8 months since I last wrote a blog. I've never been too good at opening up and sharing my thoughts/feelings/opinions with others. But I keep thinking about the reason I started a blog: Neil. He said he wanted to get to know me better (since I never open up) and asked if I'd start a blog. So I started it but stopped writing last October. But I want that to change.

I feel honored that my husband wants to get to know me better. So Neil, this is for you. I am making a commitment right here and now to blog ONCE A WEEK. Even if I don't have anything interesting or profound to say, I am going to write something--how my week is going, whatever.

Today, there is something that I want to talk about. Since we got home from Australia, I've been feeling very guilty. I know that Neil wants to be doing mission work right now and I know that I am the reason we are not. The real reason we left Australia had nothing to do with money or a broken down car. It was because of me. I was depressed and was bringing Neil down with me. He just couldn't take it anymore. I was supposed to be a supportive wife but I did the exact opposite. Honestly, I couldn't help it. My heart was never there. It was always at home. I struggled so much with trying to make a decision to commit myself to what we were doing, but it was so hard for me because I knew that when I made that decision, I'd be saying goodbye to my family for potentially a really long time.

I've always been very close to my family and the thought of being separated from them for years at a time just rips me apart inside. So that's my problem.

Even though I don't personally feel called to be a missionary, my husband does, and so that to me means that that's what we should be doing. There aren't too many Christians like him who are willing to go absolutely anywhere and do anything for God. So I feel like he's a very valuable servant; the last thing I want to do is get in the way of him being used by God--I mean that's what Satan does! Satan is using me to keep Neil from bringing God's love to foreign lands! That SUCKS.

So ANYWAY, I've been feeling guilty about all this even more so since we've been home, so I've been praying a lot about the situation. But up until a few weeks ago, I was trying to make the decision solely for Neil. Then one day I had a revelation. I was sitting here praying and thinking about all of this and Abraham came to mind. I thought about how God told him that he had to sacrifice his son, Isaac, for Him because his love for Isaac was outweighing his love for God. Isaac was his new god. So God said that in order to get into a right relationship with Him again, he'd have to sacrifice him. Once Abe showed that he was willing to do that, he was right with God again.

Well, I feel like God is telling me the same thing. He has made me aware of something that I love more than Him, something that is my true god: my family. He is telling me that I need to sacrifice them to be in a right relationship with Him.

So now instead of trying to make this decision for Neil, I feel like now I am trying to make it for God. It is something that I need to do. Like I wrote in my last blog, I've never felt as though I've given Him my all. This is partly why. I don't want to give them up.

You know, so often our pastor talks about how being a true Christian means being willing to give up anything and everything for God. He won't necessarily ask you to do that but if He does and you aren't willing, then He is not Who you truly worship. You are worshipping whatever/whoever you are putting before Him.

Soyrrr, my current thoughts are that I need to make this decision for Him. But the problem is that if I make the decision now, and we leave and go somewhere, I'm afraid we will be in the same predicament we were in in Australia where I am depressed and am bringing Neil down. So I've been praying for God to give me the desire to do mission work. Because if my heart's in it, I think the homesickness/depression can be overcome. That's how it was for Neil in Australia--he was homesick too, but his heart was in the ministry he was doing and so that was able to overcome the homesickness. My heart was 9,000 miles away.

So I've made up my mind that when I get the desire, I will say to Neil, "Ok let's goyrr." I realize I have to be careful and try not to be "putting off" making the decision for selfish reasons. Really, I am trying to be honest with myself and God. There's no point in hiding my feelings or pretending. I know what I need to do to make God my god. I want to do it. But honestly, I need that desire. I need it. Otherwise Neil and I are pulling each other in opposite directions and I am accomplishing nothing for God. So anyone reading this (sorry it's so long) please pray for me, for that desire.

Decisions, Decisions

I do want to evangelize and I do want to bless others. I feel like there's this wall separating me from surrendering my whole being to God. Yeah, it's there. It's called selfishness. And unselfishness, but mostly the former. I am afraid that if I deny myself for Him that He will take away what I love and care about. That's what's holding me back.

The verse keeps coming to mind that goes, "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matt 16:25)

This "wall", I believe, has been around all my life. I have NEVER totally submitted to Him...I think that it has just become much more evident in my current situation. I mean, I've always known that I've never actually given Him my ALL. But now it's like God is tired of me lolling around, wasting time, and wants me to make a decision-->will I lose my life for Him or not? Am I going to be a half-assed Christian this whole lifetime, or will I ever decide to be a whole-hearted follower?? I feel like I am being faced with this head-on, blatant decision where I have to make a choice. Maybe this is a "now or never" thing; maybe it could be later. But come on. It's so clear that He wants me to make a decision.

This is it.

This is the true test.

What's it gonna be?

I know He's sick of me living this comfortable, uncommited life but saying I am living for Him. Bull crap! I am living for myself.

I know that stinkin' devil would love for me to choose selfishly, superficially, and fleshly.

Neil wants to use every ounce of his being for the Kingdom. He feels like the cross he bears is made of styrofoam. That's how mine feels. There's something wrong with that picture.

So the choice is mine. Only once I make it in His favor can He actually start to use me the way He made me to be used.

So, here we are.

THE GAME.

You thought you just lost, but you really didn't.

The game has been won.

It's over.

CoNfUsIoN

Well, we are back at Hosanna. I knew those two weeks at home would fly, but I did try to cherish every moment of it. It was a good time. I felt like Mom and I were able to spend some good, quality time with each other. And I'm glad I was able to be with my grandpa and tell him I love him. People have been warning my mother that a lot of times when someone dies who has been married as long as my grandparents, their spouse passes away within 6 months of their death. I hope and pray to God that's not going to be the case. But I am glad I got to spend that time with him.

Neil and I have such good families and friends. I keep thinking we don't deserve all this love that surrounds us, so I don't want to take them for granted. I know we are incredibly blessed and not everyone has what we have.

Here's my confusion:

I struggle with discerning what the order of my priorities should be. I'm talking about mission work and my loved ones. Where people's souls are headed is of the utmost importance. But aren't family members supposed to be there for each other, especially in times of need? I feel like I should be at home, being there for my family, (for longer than 2 weeks). But if we didn't come back here soon, we wouldn't have our jobs here. And this is where we feel God has lead us. But maybe He's put this longing in my heart to be with my family for a reason. But Neil also has a longing in his heart--to be here working on this ministry. Maybe the longing in my heart is there because I love my family and I don't want to see them hurting. I want to fix their pain, or at least try to lessen it. But maybe that doesn't mean that God is telling me I need to physically be there with them right now. Though, it sure seems to me that I could be the most help if I was there in the flesh. I just never thought that mission work would mean that I'd have to neglect my family. How do people do it? I know missionaries that are gone from their families for years at a time. How do any of them stand that? I guess it's possible that I'm not necessarily neglecting them just because I am not there in the flesh. As long as we communicate. I don't know. A hug can sometimes do a lot more than words.

I know the solution to my confusion:

I need to draw close to God. I haven't been getting into the Word much lately. So I think I need to lean on Him for guidance about this. I KNOW I need to lean on Him. I need Him to come into my heart and change me to be more open about what He wants me to do with my life. Anyone out there reading this, please pray for me to have a different attitude. To be more God-focused. And again, please don't anyone think that I am here against my will. Neil is not dragging me around. I choose to be here. Though I feel like I choose it for Neil, not for God. But see, something I've brought up before is that maybe God put me with Neil because He wanted me to be here and knew I would never do it without Neil. So I guess that's the attitude change I'm really talking about. And I know, I need to make the decision myself. Maybe I need to work on my perspective first. Then attitude.

Neil tells me it seems like I am just going through the motions here. I've got the action down, but the perspective and attitude, I need to work on. Like God says through Paul, "If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." My heart is not here--it is at home with my family. So when I work here, my heart is not in it. I work hard, but others here have told me that because of my attitude they can tell my heart is somewhere else. (It's been that way since we arrived at Hosanna.) However, I think it can be 2 places at once. That's what I need to work on.

So, I'm not confused about where my focus should be. I am confused about my priorities. My focus requires the attitude change and probably a different perspective. The priorities...that discernment will come, I know, from drawing close to the Lord. God is not a god of confusion. I know He has the answers; I just need to open my ears and listen to His wisdom. And like I said, I've been neglecting Him lately. I need to get off of here and go read the Word.

Grandma

My grandmother passed away recently and it's been rather difficult to get used to that reality. I know it's real. But thinking about the fact that we will never hear her sweet voice again or see her beautiful face...that's been hard to accept. But again, I know it's reality. Neil brought up a good point the other day: death was never God's intention when He created man. Maybe that's why it's so hard to accept. It's a result of sin. So NOW it is reality.

Now I know she is no longer suffering. Her physical discomfort is gone. Her fear of facing death is gone. Her WORRIES are gone. (Grandma was the biggest worry wort I ever knew.)

Now she is at peace.

ANYONE WHO IS READING THIS: Please please please pray for my mother and grandfather. My mom and her mom were so close. And my grandpa--he is dealing with losing the person he has spent the last 65 years with. I couldn't imagine losing Neil now. But what if we were married for as long as my grandparents? That has got to be incredibly hard. I can't even begin to imagine.

So this is the first time I have dealt with losing someone close to me. I think the timing with me being on the other side of the world is what God thought would be the best. For some reason He did not what me to see her again before she died or didn't want her to see me or maybe didn't want me to be there for my family because of whatever reason. I really do trust that all things are under God's control. And since He IS love and everything He does is out of LOVE, then I know that the timing really was for the best. Anyway, I do get to see my family soon. We are flying home in less than a week, so I am looking forward to that. I want to give my family comfort. I want to receive comfort. I want more closure. I want to help my mom and grandpa in any way that I can to make things easier on them. I so longed to be there for the funeral. But again, I know that the way everything happened was a part of God's perfect plan. I am not at all bitter toward Him. I know death is now a part of life. I always knew I would eventually be dealing with it (unless I died before anyone close to me did).

So, here we are.