Never Give Up

Forgiveness: it's a decision. You may not feel like you've forgiven someone. But the point is that if you decide you're going to forgive someone, you have to act like it. Hiding bitterness, pretending to forgive, is not forgiveness. Just like love--it's a decision--followed by action. Even if you don't feel like it. And think about this: in Ephesians we are told to forgive others just as in Christ God forgave you. Think about that! God is forgiving you. Every time you sin. That's like a million times a day. You can't expect to get all the forgiveness yourself and not forgive others when they've wronged you.

I know, I know. It's hard. You have already forgiven them thousands upon thousands of times. And the verse about 70 times 7 keeps sticking in your head. But it feels impossible because you're sick of doing all the work! And they've hurt you so much! But they are willing to change. You are not. You actually admitted it. But don't give up. Think about this verse: God can do far abundantly above all that we ask or even think!!! If only you will decide to work at it again...He will give you the grace to forgive and once that happens, then the healing process starts. But right now there's this wall of bitterness. It has got to be broken down. That's what the problem is now. I know they started it. But they are sorry and again, are changing. But as you know, this is a partnership--both partners must participate or nothing will be accomplished.

Please don't give up. You have been an inspiration so far for sticking it out. Don't become another statistic. Think about all the people you could help once you've made it...people dealing with the partner who has gone through the same thing. You could be an inspiration to far more and all the while giving a great testimony for the One who's gotten you over the mountain.

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What should we do about buying a house? Should we buy, or shouldn't we? And if so, where? Which one? Should we go do mission work right now? Should we wait for me to somehow desire it? That's pretty much what I'm waiting for--for God to give me the desire to do mission work (if that's what He wants us to do). But then a week ago I started thinking about how to acquire that desire. I feel like I'm just sitting around, waiting to start feeling it without doing anything. But I'm pretty sure that I need to be actively doing something to attain it. We don't have a passive relationship with God. Or at least we shouldn't. I know that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). (In other words, our desires will change as we draw close to Him, to ones that He would like us to have.) So I've been praying a lot about this. But also, I feel like it would be helpful if I would do some research, read some articles, books, and blogs about missions, talk to experienced missionaries, etc. I just think that if I could attempt to become interested in it, that would help me to desire it.

So I started reading about what the C&MA is doing. Some pretty amazing things are happening through that organization. Anyway, so I plan on trying to do my part as God is doing His. And in the meantime I guess we'll be putting effort into the decision of buying a house. If God doesn't want us to I'm expecting He'll through up some red flags or something.

The Restless Evil

I feel like I am being made more aware of instances when I should hold my tongue and when I should speak. I've also been suffering the consequences of speaking out of emotions when I shouldn't. The verse Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." I've been sort of keeping that verse in mind (at work primarily) and I really feel as though it's helping me to control my tongue.

It's very easy to make enemies just by speaking when you shouldn't. And then there's not peace--there's tension and grudges and bitterness. I also have this little passive aggressive thing I do when, for example, a coworker presents an idea that I don't especially like. I want to be agreeable but I don't always agree with the idea. But instead of being upfront and honest, I put on a very poor act of being pleased with the decision. Of course my coworker senses what I am doing, and then there is not peace between us...she knows it and I know it. There's tension. If I would just say what I should say, rather than holding back, all that animosity can be avoided.

James 3:8 says, "But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison." That's how I know that God is the One helping me to overcome this shameful habit. I'm not doing it on my own. And I've got a long way to go.

Fortunately Romans 12:18 seems to pop in to my head at just the right time when I need it.

My Grandma

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my grandma's death. She died on my parents' wedding anniversary--which I'm convinced happened for a reason (I know there's no way of knowing that, but whatever--it makes me feel better...and I believe it to be true). But anyway, I wanted to say a few words on this 10th day of August, 2009 about her.

My grandma knew how to love. And she never told us how to love--she showed it. Her happiness came from others' happiness. That is something that I didn't realize until I read my brother's eulogy for her. He used those exact words: her happiness came from others' happiness. And that describes her perfectly. We always used to think it was so funny that when her and Grandpa would take us out to dinner she would get so upset if we didn't order an appetizer. She would have this truly worrisome look on her face if we declined. But that's how she showed love: giving. She was extremely generous. So what I realize now is that when we declined an appetizer that she offered to us, we, in essence, declined her love. She just wanted us to be happy. I wish we would have just eaten the darn appetizers.

After she died my mom told me this awesome story about her. One Christmas when we were little and Santa still came, my dad was upset that Grandma and Grandpa had bought us more presents than "Santa" had. So to appease him, Grandma gave him some of the presents they bought, to be given to us by "Santa". And I didn't hear about this until after she passed away. She never bragged about what she did. She never told us when we were older that one Christmas she helped out Santa.

Her life was about serving others. Of course she served her family, but she was also very involved in being an advocate at the Fairfield Center, where her other daughter, my Aunt Judy lives. Judy is brain-damaged and my grandparents took care of her as long as they physically could. But eventually, they had to take her to a place where she could get the kind of care that she needed. At any rate, though, Grandma still stood by her side and supported her and did what she could to improve things at the center.

And I can't forget to mention this: my grandma's waffles. She made the best waffles EVER. I am telling you, there's none like them. My mom would even buy the same brand of waffle mix, make them in the same kind of waffle iron, use the same kind of syrup, and they just were not as good as Grandma's. (Sorry Mom : ) ) They were one of a kind.

So Ann Hamner is remembered for some great things. And I will use what I have learned from her throughout my life. She will live on in us.

I love you Grandma. Things are just not the same without you. Yes, we are living our lives and doing okay, but it's not the same. You were such a special part of our lives, as I know we were to yours. You are very missed.

All You Need Is Love....do do do do do....

Now I know that I'm not anywhere close to being an expert on marriage or love. But I do know what love is...and I'm not Forrest Gump. I know that marriage is a covenant--not a contract. I know that true actual real love is always unconditional. That means that if you don't "feel" like you love someone, you can still love them as long as you don't treat them like you are feeling. When Neil makes me mad I don't "feel" like I love him--I feel pissed! But I still treat him with love.

Love is NOT a feeling. Usually good feelings are associated with love. But not always. When people say, "We just don't love each other anymore," what that means is that they have stopped deciding to love each other. And when you make that decision, well I imagine you wouldn't "feel" love toward that person anymore. Love is a choice--it's deciding to treat another as if they are more important than you, making choices in their favor, etc. And I'm not just talking about love between a husband and wife...all love is a choice. If a child is hungry and the mother decides to eat the last of the food in the house herself, she is not loving her child. Love is action. Love is not words. Does your husband beat you and then say, "I love you"? Listen to his actions, not what comes out of his mouth.

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. People stop feeling those exciting little butterflies for a moment and they think their love is gone. Or a married person will be attracted to another man or woman, and it's such a strong feeling that they pursue it. They don't resist the temptation--they just go after what they want. Let me tell you something I've learned since I've been married--and I was lucky because my husband brought this to my attention before we even got married: It's normal to be attracted to more than 1 person. Think about it. I'm attracted to people who make me laugh. I'm attracted to people who are original. I'm attracted to confidence...selflessness...kindness...humility. And so on. Now all these characteristics are found in my husband. But they are also found in other people. So there may be times in my life when I am attracted to another person because they have 1 or some of these characteristics. But I resist the temptation to do anything about those feelings because I am married and marriage is a covenant. And I have vowed to be faithful to my husband. I guess it's not that hard for me though, because my husband has so many characteristics I'm attracted to that no one else even comes close to being that attractive to me.

I think they need to teach this in pre-marriage counseling classes. Just to inform the two people involved that it is normal to be attracted to other people besides your spouse. IT IS HUMAN NATURE. But I've learned that the more you resist the temptation, the easier it gets to resist. And the more you resist, the stronger your marriage becomes.

Again, I am no expert on this. And by no means do I always treat my husband and others with love. But I am learning. And it makes sense.