Little Poop Buckets with Cheese

That's Gizmo's new name. Ok but seriously, what I wanted to write about today is my new outlook on how I should be living as a Christian. So far I've been very self-absorbed. I feel like I've taken way too long JUST focusing on building up myself for God and not much time at all building others up. So I want to start making an effort to work on my relationships with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. That's something Christ encouraged and commanded while He was here. In this life we need others. We can't do this on our own. We need to have friendships with other Christians to support each other, bear each others' burdens, pray for one another, build each other up, be accountable to one another. Yes, it's important also to have good relationships with the non-Christians in our lives for various reasons. But our relationships with the brethren is valuable for our growth because we have the same focus; we are running the same race. We can therefore help each other overcome sin, we can offer our prayers during hard times, we can impart real wisdom we've learned through the scriptures, and so on.

We need each other. That's something we have to be willing to admit. I've known Christians whose attitude was, "I don't need to be around other Christians...I can do this on my own," and they loose faith fast. They get discouraged when something goes wrong and there's no one there to build them back up. So they give up. It's easy to go back living for yourself when you're only surrounded by those living for themselves. But when you are regularly involved in other Christian's lives, and they're involved in yours, you grow together. You offer a hand when one falls and lift them back up. And they do the same for you. You become stronger... continually, throughout your life. And so do they. The Kingdom is then nourished and can begin to grow and impact the rest of the world.

Good Old Jesus

I really can do anything, as long as I trust that God will get me through it. I mean, knowing that He's there encourages me to do things that otherwise I would be too afraid to do--or that I would do with an extremely bad attitude because I thought it would be a complete failure. This is one of the cool advantages of having a relationship with the Lord. I love it! I know, I know...I'm all positive now, but watch: tomorrow something will happen and I'll fail to trust in the Lord and either I will avoid the situation, or again, have that bad attitude and negatively affect others around me (whether I succeed at the thing or not).-- That's because I'm not perfect. It's just that I've been noticing this confidence happening more and more, even on a regular basis. Okay atheists, maybe it is just a psychology thing. You know, there's this so called "God" I believe in and since I "trust in Him" I am encouraged to actually try new things, and do so with a good attitude. Yes, it's basic psychology.

But guess Who created our psychology.

And guess Who relates to us through those brains of ours He created.

Duh! I always thought that was a way to explain away prayer and other things. But then one day I thought, "Hey! Of course it's "just psychology"!...He created us that way so He can related to us though it. I mean, why not communicate to the created by the means of how we were created?!? Again I will say, DUH! How else would He interact with us? It does make sense, you have to admit.

Happy Birthday to you, Neil!

My husband's birthday is in 1 hour and 20 minutes. And I would like to say a few words about him. One thing I really love about Neil is how he loves others. He never shows favoritism--he'll be friends with anyone, no matter how annoying or unpleasant to be around. He will go out of his way, sacrificing his time, money, gas, himself, to help others. He always makes others feel welcomed, wanted, and loved. I've learned a lot from him about what it truly means to love others.

Neil's also taught me a lot about myself. I sincerely believe God has used him to help me grow. By opening flaps and having a lot of patience with me, he has played a huge role in my spiritual and general maturity. And I can never thank him enough for that.

And of course, I cannot thank him near enough for being such a wonderful husband. He makes me feel adored--what an amazing feeling. He's all and more than I want and need in a man, and I am honored to be his wife. I feel cared for, protected, loved.

Neil deserves to have a great day today (or in an hour and 10 minutes), because he is such a great guy, role model, friend, and spouse.

I love you, Neil.

Home Sweet Home.......almost!

I am about to make the biggest purchase of my life. We've put a lot of thought and prayer into it. I think it's the right thing to do. I think. How do you ever know what God's will is for your life? I figured we'd put forth effort into buying a house and if we notice any red flags, we'll take the hint that He'd rather us do something else. I know that many paths could be in His will for us. But I think it's smart to keep our eyes open to any red flags He might be throwing up to let us know we may be on the wrong path. Now I'm not talking about hurdles. Problems arising while trying to do something shouldn't automatically qualify us for assuming that God's not happy with what we're doing. I'm talking about obvious things that would be unwise to push past for the goal. Of course there's going to be problems--it's not easy buying a house...or selecting one for that matter. Hey I think those hurdles are what He uses to make sure we want what we're after enough--they help to build character. And so far, no red flags. So I guess we'll just keep moving forward one hurdle at a time. eek!

Our Savior

Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness.
Open my eyes; let me see.
Beauty that makes this heart adore you, hope of a life spent with You.

King of all days, oh so highly exalted, glorious in heaven above.
Humbly You came to the earth You created.
All for love's sake became poor.

I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross.

-author unknown (to me)

I feel like when we take communion, we should be thinking about everything He did for us, not just the climax of what He did for us. He was in heaven, exalted on high. And then He came down here, making Himself susceptible to pain, suffering, sin, disease, illness, evil, and temptation. It wasn't a walk in the park. We are saved not just because He sacrificed His life that day, but because He sacrificed His life everyday. He was a living sacrifice. He was completely submitted to the Father to be used to get the job done. He was faithful everyday, even to the point of death..."even death on a cross" (Philippians 2:8).

Smudge

I think my cat is dead. No one has seen him in about a week. He is primarily an outside cat. But he always hangs around the house and every so often comes in the garage where his food is. We definitely see him every day. I'm pretty sure something got him. It makes me sad because he was such a special cat. He is the reason I like cats. Really it was easy to love him. I was never good at picking up and holding cats and so they would never let me hold them. But he doesn't care how you pick him up. He is so affectionate. What I love most about him is that he was always content no matter what. He never got jealous if there was another pet around. But he loved attention.

When he used to sleep in my bed with me, he would always crack me up...if I was lying on my stomach, he would lay longways on my back...if I was on my side, he would spoon with me with his head on the pillow. And during the day, his favorite place to sleep was the bathroom sink.

Smudge was a beast. He did have a stomach that swung rather low to the ground but other than that, he was muscle. I've seen him jump up in the air and catch a bird. He's always bringing me random body parts of what he's just killed (usually the intestines and half of the skull).

If you were outside, he would come to you. He loved people. Though, I have to say, we didn't give him too much attention. But he's stuck around for the last 7 years. I'm not sure how old he is (was). He was full grown when we found him. One day Neil and I were driving down the road in our neighborhood and Neil had to slam on his brakes to not hit him. That's how he got his name--he was almost a "smudge" on the road. Anyway, once the truck was stopped, Smudge walked over to the driver door, Neil opened it, and he jumped up on Neil's lap. So then we took him home. That's right, we might have stolen him from one of our neighbors. But hey, there was no collar on him and he was not de-clawed. Plus there are always strays around our neighborhood, with all the woods and everything. My brother once found a litter of kittens in a tree in our back woods. One of them fell out of the tree at that moment and my brother's friend caught it--called him Lucky. Anyway, if there was no collar then he was not claimed, so I guess that's how I rationalized it all these years. Also he was always free to go back down the road where we found him if he wanted.

So maybe that's where he is. But I'm pretty sure he's dead. There's coyotes, racoons, wild turkeys (with claws), possums--anything could have gotten him. I just hope it was a quick death with no suffering. Oh, I love(d) that cat. Who knows, maybe he's still out there and will be back soon. But lets be realistic--that's probably not the case.

Neil, don't make fun of me for writing a blog about an animal.

The Walk

He is right--I have to admit it. I don't look for opportunities to help others. After work, it's "Stacy Time." Time to kick back and relax. Now let me just say that I don't think there's anything wrong with relaxing every once in a while. But every night? All night after work? Now that's a bit much. I really am a lazy, selfish b@$ch. No, really. What I need to think about is what Jesus would do in this situation. I'm sure His nights didn't consist of "Jesus Time," but instead, time spent ministering to others or with His Father in prayer.

And all this talk about what "church" is, I want to do it. Every day throughout the week. I'm glad we're getting a women's Bible study going. Fellowship is something I crave. And I love studying the Word with others. Oh I can't wait!

Patients are People...Duh!!!

Ok, I am not the perfect employee who has perfect work ethics. But this is ridiculous. I am so disgusted with certain health care workers. When I worked in a hospital and now in a nursing home, the number one complaint from all the patients always is that no one comes to help them when they hit the call button for the nurse. And it's like that everywhere. I know they're busy. But 50% of the time I see those damn aides they are sitting on their butts gossiping about the latest crap going on while their patients are in need of help. I found out from a recent patient of mine that there is this "15 minute" rule where the nurses or aides have to answer the call button within that time. They get monitored apparently. Anyway, he told me that within 15 minutes of hitting his button, someone does come to his room but all they do is turn off the call light, walk out, and say someone will be in later to take care of his request. And then no one comes in to take care of his request. Or it gets taken care of hours later. I've talked to the Nursing Supervisor about this...nothing has changed.

Today I walked into one of my patient's rooms to work with him. His name is Leroy; he's a very soft spoken, polite gentleman, who doesn't like to complain. I walked in at 4:00 pm. He told me that he had been hitting his call button for the last 6 or 7 hours and NO ONE came to see what he needed. Unfortunately this man had been sitting there that entire time with poop in his pants. So I took him to the bathroom and cleaned him up. And you know what? It took me about 5 minutes to do it. That's all he wanted, was a few minutes of someone's time to clean him up. For just once I'd like those damn nurses and aides to put themselves in the shoes of one of those patients. THOSE PATIENTS ARE REAL PEOPLE. They have feelings and needs and deserve a pleasant stay while they are trying to get better. In school it was always emphasized to us that we should treat our patients as if they were a mother or father or grandmother or grandfather of ours. Those nurses and especially the aides don't even treat them like human beings half the time!

Now I have to be fair--there are some very good nurses and nurses aides. But they are scarce. Very scarce. It's so sad.

What if a patient is having trouble breathing and they hit the call button and no one answers it for 45 minutes? They could be dead! What if someone needs to go to the bathroom but were told to not get up by themselves, but to hit the call button instead, and no one shows up for a half an hour? Well either they have an accident in their pants or they get up by themselves and fall and break a hip. (The latter happens way too often.)

This is a huge issue. What do we do about it? And again, it's happening everywhere from what I have heard from healthcare workers and patients that have been in other facilities.

I'm just so disgusted with it.

Never Give Up

Forgiveness: it's a decision. You may not feel like you've forgiven someone. But the point is that if you decide you're going to forgive someone, you have to act like it. Hiding bitterness, pretending to forgive, is not forgiveness. Just like love--it's a decision--followed by action. Even if you don't feel like it. And think about this: in Ephesians we are told to forgive others just as in Christ God forgave you. Think about that! God is forgiving you. Every time you sin. That's like a million times a day. You can't expect to get all the forgiveness yourself and not forgive others when they've wronged you.

I know, I know. It's hard. You have already forgiven them thousands upon thousands of times. And the verse about 70 times 7 keeps sticking in your head. But it feels impossible because you're sick of doing all the work! And they've hurt you so much! But they are willing to change. You are not. You actually admitted it. But don't give up. Think about this verse: God can do far abundantly above all that we ask or even think!!! If only you will decide to work at it again...He will give you the grace to forgive and once that happens, then the healing process starts. But right now there's this wall of bitterness. It has got to be broken down. That's what the problem is now. I know they started it. But they are sorry and again, are changing. But as you know, this is a partnership--both partners must participate or nothing will be accomplished.

Please don't give up. You have been an inspiration so far for sticking it out. Don't become another statistic. Think about all the people you could help once you've made it...people dealing with the partner who has gone through the same thing. You could be an inspiration to far more and all the while giving a great testimony for the One who's gotten you over the mountain.

a;lksdfj;alksdfj;alskdfj;alskdfja;ldfkj

What should we do about buying a house? Should we buy, or shouldn't we? And if so, where? Which one? Should we go do mission work right now? Should we wait for me to somehow desire it? That's pretty much what I'm waiting for--for God to give me the desire to do mission work (if that's what He wants us to do). But then a week ago I started thinking about how to acquire that desire. I feel like I'm just sitting around, waiting to start feeling it without doing anything. But I'm pretty sure that I need to be actively doing something to attain it. We don't have a passive relationship with God. Or at least we shouldn't. I know that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). (In other words, our desires will change as we draw close to Him, to ones that He would like us to have.) So I've been praying a lot about this. But also, I feel like it would be helpful if I would do some research, read some articles, books, and blogs about missions, talk to experienced missionaries, etc. I just think that if I could attempt to become interested in it, that would help me to desire it.

So I started reading about what the C&MA is doing. Some pretty amazing things are happening through that organization. Anyway, so I plan on trying to do my part as God is doing His. And in the meantime I guess we'll be putting effort into the decision of buying a house. If God doesn't want us to I'm expecting He'll through up some red flags or something.

The Restless Evil

I feel like I am being made more aware of instances when I should hold my tongue and when I should speak. I've also been suffering the consequences of speaking out of emotions when I shouldn't. The verse Romans 12:18 says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." I've been sort of keeping that verse in mind (at work primarily) and I really feel as though it's helping me to control my tongue.

It's very easy to make enemies just by speaking when you shouldn't. And then there's not peace--there's tension and grudges and bitterness. I also have this little passive aggressive thing I do when, for example, a coworker presents an idea that I don't especially like. I want to be agreeable but I don't always agree with the idea. But instead of being upfront and honest, I put on a very poor act of being pleased with the decision. Of course my coworker senses what I am doing, and then there is not peace between us...she knows it and I know it. There's tension. If I would just say what I should say, rather than holding back, all that animosity can be avoided.

James 3:8 says, "But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison." That's how I know that God is the One helping me to overcome this shameful habit. I'm not doing it on my own. And I've got a long way to go.

Fortunately Romans 12:18 seems to pop in to my head at just the right time when I need it.

My Grandma

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my grandma's death. She died on my parents' wedding anniversary--which I'm convinced happened for a reason (I know there's no way of knowing that, but whatever--it makes me feel better...and I believe it to be true). But anyway, I wanted to say a few words on this 10th day of August, 2009 about her.

My grandma knew how to love. And she never told us how to love--she showed it. Her happiness came from others' happiness. That is something that I didn't realize until I read my brother's eulogy for her. He used those exact words: her happiness came from others' happiness. And that describes her perfectly. We always used to think it was so funny that when her and Grandpa would take us out to dinner she would get so upset if we didn't order an appetizer. She would have this truly worrisome look on her face if we declined. But that's how she showed love: giving. She was extremely generous. So what I realize now is that when we declined an appetizer that she offered to us, we, in essence, declined her love. She just wanted us to be happy. I wish we would have just eaten the darn appetizers.

After she died my mom told me this awesome story about her. One Christmas when we were little and Santa still came, my dad was upset that Grandma and Grandpa had bought us more presents than "Santa" had. So to appease him, Grandma gave him some of the presents they bought, to be given to us by "Santa". And I didn't hear about this until after she passed away. She never bragged about what she did. She never told us when we were older that one Christmas she helped out Santa.

Her life was about serving others. Of course she served her family, but she was also very involved in being an advocate at the Fairfield Center, where her other daughter, my Aunt Judy lives. Judy is brain-damaged and my grandparents took care of her as long as they physically could. But eventually, they had to take her to a place where she could get the kind of care that she needed. At any rate, though, Grandma still stood by her side and supported her and did what she could to improve things at the center.

And I can't forget to mention this: my grandma's waffles. She made the best waffles EVER. I am telling you, there's none like them. My mom would even buy the same brand of waffle mix, make them in the same kind of waffle iron, use the same kind of syrup, and they just were not as good as Grandma's. (Sorry Mom : ) ) They were one of a kind.

So Ann Hamner is remembered for some great things. And I will use what I have learned from her throughout my life. She will live on in us.

I love you Grandma. Things are just not the same without you. Yes, we are living our lives and doing okay, but it's not the same. You were such a special part of our lives, as I know we were to yours. You are very missed.

All You Need Is Love....do do do do do....

Now I know that I'm not anywhere close to being an expert on marriage or love. But I do know what love is...and I'm not Forrest Gump. I know that marriage is a covenant--not a contract. I know that true actual real love is always unconditional. That means that if you don't "feel" like you love someone, you can still love them as long as you don't treat them like you are feeling. When Neil makes me mad I don't "feel" like I love him--I feel pissed! But I still treat him with love.

Love is NOT a feeling. Usually good feelings are associated with love. But not always. When people say, "We just don't love each other anymore," what that means is that they have stopped deciding to love each other. And when you make that decision, well I imagine you wouldn't "feel" love toward that person anymore. Love is a choice--it's deciding to treat another as if they are more important than you, making choices in their favor, etc. And I'm not just talking about love between a husband and wife...all love is a choice. If a child is hungry and the mother decides to eat the last of the food in the house herself, she is not loving her child. Love is action. Love is not words. Does your husband beat you and then say, "I love you"? Listen to his actions, not what comes out of his mouth.

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. People stop feeling those exciting little butterflies for a moment and they think their love is gone. Or a married person will be attracted to another man or woman, and it's such a strong feeling that they pursue it. They don't resist the temptation--they just go after what they want. Let me tell you something I've learned since I've been married--and I was lucky because my husband brought this to my attention before we even got married: It's normal to be attracted to more than 1 person. Think about it. I'm attracted to people who make me laugh. I'm attracted to people who are original. I'm attracted to confidence...selflessness...kindness...humility. And so on. Now all these characteristics are found in my husband. But they are also found in other people. So there may be times in my life when I am attracted to another person because they have 1 or some of these characteristics. But I resist the temptation to do anything about those feelings because I am married and marriage is a covenant. And I have vowed to be faithful to my husband. I guess it's not that hard for me though, because my husband has so many characteristics I'm attracted to that no one else even comes close to being that attractive to me.

I think they need to teach this in pre-marriage counseling classes. Just to inform the two people involved that it is normal to be attracted to other people besides your spouse. IT IS HUMAN NATURE. But I've learned that the more you resist the temptation, the easier it gets to resist. And the more you resist, the stronger your marriage becomes.

Again, I am no expert on this. And by no means do I always treat my husband and others with love. But I am learning. And it makes sense.

Life

I'm really starting to think about getting old...not because I'm almost thirty. I'm talking about being 80. I think the worst thing would be to be stuck in a nursing home after my spouse and the rest of my family dies and being all alone. Being unable to take care of my own home and my own body. Wallowing in self-pity. I know so many people living like that. I guess I've known those people a while but I've just recently been trying to put myself in their shoes...and that's got to be depressing. It would be horrible to lose my husband now, but what if we were married for 60 years?! Suddenly the person that's always been there by your side every day is gone. You're all alone. And I don't ever want to be living in such a way that I feel like I have no purpose, where I'm not helping others in some way.

I'm not trying to write a depressing blog. I'm trying to think about what I should be learning from this sadness that has recently come over me. I think one thing I'm learning is that I should appreciate my husband, my family, my friends, and my health more. But the sadness isn't just about being alone and physically dependent on others...like I said before, it's about feeling as though I have no purpose at that age. And being too depressed to seek out that purpose. I believe that whatever age you are, you have purpose. The day the Lord decides you will die, that's the day you have no more purpose here. I just never want to stop seeking out what that is.

So this is something that has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks as some of my patients have passed away, or their spouses have passed away and I've been hearing about how lonely they are now. I hope I haven't unbrightened your day. That's not my intention. Just think of this post as encouragement to appreciate what you've got and to know that no matter how old you are, there's a good reason you're alive.

Tarms

Today is our 4 year wedding anniversary. I feel so incredibly blessed that I am married to a man who actually knows the meaning of love. He understands that it is not based on feelings, but is a decision and a commitment. He loves me no matter what mood I'm in (and let me tell you that's hard to do), no matter what mood he's in, rain or shine, through struggles and tension. When the going gets tough, he doesn't bail, like so many spouses do today. He sticks it out. And we are all the more stronger because of it.

I am convinced that God has used him to build me up, to make me a better person...I have felt that way since we first gave our lives to Christ. Without his strength, patience, humility, and wisdom, I feel as though I would not be where I am today in my faith, maturity, and character. He is my best friend, my partner, my brother in Christ, and my amazing husband. And I am so happy today because of him.

Gizmoyr

Neil and I like to sing about our dog:


Little little Gizmo, short and stout...

here is my tail and here is my snout.

When I have to go pee hear me pout...

"Put my leash on and take me out!"



That's right, I'm racking my brain trying to think of something to write about, and this is all I could think of...I'm tired.

God is Awesome

2 cool things happened this week:

1.) The other day I was praying about something and got interrupted. I'm not going to specify anything here because the specifics are not the point. The interruption was something that I felt I should to divert my attention to. Later on I discovered that the reason I was interrupted quite possibly may have been from God. I realized that the thing I was praying about could not be resolved until something else was resolved. And that thing that has to be resolved first was the interruption. So I think I was praying for the wrong thing and He interceded for me. Oh by the way, I remembered later on that the same thing that interrupted me had happened earlier but not as loud as the one that I stopped praying for. I guess it took Him a couple of tries to get through to me. So anyway, I just thought that was really cool.

2.) There's something else that happened this week that I felt was God...it was late at night and I still wanted to read the Bible and get on the internet to look up something before I went to bed. My thought process was that I planned on doing both things but after the first thing, I might be too tired to do the second thing. But I also was thinking that whichever order I did the two things in, it would potentially take the same amount of time; so I figured the order didn't matter. I started walking to the computer and stopped myself because I realized I'd be more likely to stay up for the internet if I saved it for last versus saving the Bible for last; that's pathetic I know. (I've been praying for enthusiasm for the Scriptures.) So anyway, I sucked it up and decided to choose to read the Bible first. I started reading and as I was finishing the chapter, I noticed how easy the reading seemed and how much I understood what I was reading. See usually when I read the Bible my mind wanders or I don't understand something and I have to read verses and sections over and over again, which takes me a while to get through. But this time it was different. I got it-all of it- the first time. It went so smoothly, I couldn't believe it. So I feel that God had blessed me with this easy reading since I made a choice in His favor.

It just goes to show that we really can experience His easy yoke and light burden if only we'd deny ourselves and follow Him.

(And trust me I am by no means an expert on this.)

"Pride" is Satan's Middle Name--stupid jerk

Hmmm what to write about... how's my week going? Well, I have been trying to stay aware of a certain situation that arises almost every day. (I do that by praying about it on the way to work.) The situation is this (very simple really): When I get stressed, I'm in a bad mood.

But if I stay aware of merely the fact that where there's stress, there's a bad mood waiting to happen, then I will be more likely to prevent that bad mood from happening. Or if I do go into it, I will be more likely to try to not show it. Which is easier to deal with? Probably prevention. Cause once I'm in one, oh it takes a good laugh or something REALLY good to get me out of it, and I am not good at acting. I get up to my ears in pride and that's why it's so hard to get out of.

Seriously, the days I don't stay in prayer about it and forget to call upon the Lord when those situations arise, I'm hopeless. But let me tell you there is power in prayer...(if I can swallow my pride long enough to ask Him for help). It's like as soon as I remember He's there to help and I actually ask for it, I immediately see or feel the prayer being answered...either peace comes over me or reason enters my brain, something. He always provides some kind of solution, some kind of a way to get out of the sticky situation. (The situation being either the temptation or the darn thing itself.)

This is a problem I've been dealing with since childhood. I didn't realize, though, that it was a problem, something I could or should overcome until I met Neil. I really feel like God has been using Neil to work on me. I want to be a good wife. My husband deserves it because he is so good to me. He's unlike any person I've ever met. I've always felt privleged that I even know him. And to be married to Him! I'm definitely the lucky one. So anyway, Neil made me aware of my problem, and I started out trying to conquer it for him alone. But now, it's kind of for everyone. I mean, no one likes to be around someone in a bad mood--it sucks. I know how I feel when someone is like that; I want to be away from them. I know also that there's a lot of pride involved in it. And since I think pride may be the root of all evil, I really want to work on it for me and my relationship with God. I feel like He's trying to help me grow in this way as part of my sanctification.

Soyr, hopefully I'll remember tomorrow what to do. (I am a horrible morning person.)

Is God really my god??? The answer is "Noyrr."

First of all, I don't know why the date says Friday, June 26. It is definitely before midnight on Thursday, June 25.

So it's been 8 months since I last wrote a blog. I've never been too good at opening up and sharing my thoughts/feelings/opinions with others. But I keep thinking about the reason I started a blog: Neil. He said he wanted to get to know me better (since I never open up) and asked if I'd start a blog. So I started it but stopped writing last October. But I want that to change.

I feel honored that my husband wants to get to know me better. So Neil, this is for you. I am making a commitment right here and now to blog ONCE A WEEK. Even if I don't have anything interesting or profound to say, I am going to write something--how my week is going, whatever.

Today, there is something that I want to talk about. Since we got home from Australia, I've been feeling very guilty. I know that Neil wants to be doing mission work right now and I know that I am the reason we are not. The real reason we left Australia had nothing to do with money or a broken down car. It was because of me. I was depressed and was bringing Neil down with me. He just couldn't take it anymore. I was supposed to be a supportive wife but I did the exact opposite. Honestly, I couldn't help it. My heart was never there. It was always at home. I struggled so much with trying to make a decision to commit myself to what we were doing, but it was so hard for me because I knew that when I made that decision, I'd be saying goodbye to my family for potentially a really long time.

I've always been very close to my family and the thought of being separated from them for years at a time just rips me apart inside. So that's my problem.

Even though I don't personally feel called to be a missionary, my husband does, and so that to me means that that's what we should be doing. There aren't too many Christians like him who are willing to go absolutely anywhere and do anything for God. So I feel like he's a very valuable servant; the last thing I want to do is get in the way of him being used by God--I mean that's what Satan does! Satan is using me to keep Neil from bringing God's love to foreign lands! That SUCKS.

So ANYWAY, I've been feeling guilty about all this even more so since we've been home, so I've been praying a lot about the situation. But up until a few weeks ago, I was trying to make the decision solely for Neil. Then one day I had a revelation. I was sitting here praying and thinking about all of this and Abraham came to mind. I thought about how God told him that he had to sacrifice his son, Isaac, for Him because his love for Isaac was outweighing his love for God. Isaac was his new god. So God said that in order to get into a right relationship with Him again, he'd have to sacrifice him. Once Abe showed that he was willing to do that, he was right with God again.

Well, I feel like God is telling me the same thing. He has made me aware of something that I love more than Him, something that is my true god: my family. He is telling me that I need to sacrifice them to be in a right relationship with Him.

So now instead of trying to make this decision for Neil, I feel like now I am trying to make it for God. It is something that I need to do. Like I wrote in my last blog, I've never felt as though I've given Him my all. This is partly why. I don't want to give them up.

You know, so often our pastor talks about how being a true Christian means being willing to give up anything and everything for God. He won't necessarily ask you to do that but if He does and you aren't willing, then He is not Who you truly worship. You are worshipping whatever/whoever you are putting before Him.

Soyrrr, my current thoughts are that I need to make this decision for Him. But the problem is that if I make the decision now, and we leave and go somewhere, I'm afraid we will be in the same predicament we were in in Australia where I am depressed and am bringing Neil down. So I've been praying for God to give me the desire to do mission work. Because if my heart's in it, I think the homesickness/depression can be overcome. That's how it was for Neil in Australia--he was homesick too, but his heart was in the ministry he was doing and so that was able to overcome the homesickness. My heart was 9,000 miles away.

So I've made up my mind that when I get the desire, I will say to Neil, "Ok let's goyrr." I realize I have to be careful and try not to be "putting off" making the decision for selfish reasons. Really, I am trying to be honest with myself and God. There's no point in hiding my feelings or pretending. I know what I need to do to make God my god. I want to do it. But honestly, I need that desire. I need it. Otherwise Neil and I are pulling each other in opposite directions and I am accomplishing nothing for God. So anyone reading this (sorry it's so long) please pray for me, for that desire.